Pirates amaze me. They’re like the hippies of the sea, but instead of excess love-ins and psychedelic mushrooms they have pillaging and manatees lovers. Not a bad trade in. But everything else is the same: Lack of showering, belief in a modified form of socialism, inedible food, love of earth tones, and bitchin rides featuring skulls and/or peace signs.
Did you know pirates still exist? (And not the lame MPAA “downloading makes baby jesus cry” kind) This magic image below is brought to you by the folks at the ICC and the letter “Q”, ironically enough, both of which are spending your hard earned money to fight pirates.
The above is a breakdown of all of the pirate attacks in 2007. The red dots are successful attempts, while the yellow dots are failed attempts. This visual only goes further to prove that pirates and hippies are born from the same cloth – pirates appear to have a crappy rate of follow-through. Sound familiar?
My real reason for showing the map is to point out how many pirate attacks there have been in the Chicago area. Let me double check…oh yes…none. And why? Well I believe that is due to the severe lack of an ocean. Lakes make great distractions but their limited ability to provide adequate escape surely cuts down on said looting. Alas, I still would like to be a pirate. And I’m sure that many others would also jump at the chance.
Enter the tree pirate. So I think you see where I’m going here. With tree pirate franchises sweeping the nation we could loot each town until the mayor himself/herself would dance to our sea shanty songs, and there are plenty of trees. I mean, if we can find an arboretum next to a bank we’re golden for life. Mankind will be like a small metaphor in the hands larger metaphor wrapped in simile.
RISE CHILDREN OF THE TREES! THE HOUR IS NIGH!
(Jesus, updates at 3am get weird real fast. And I always somehow end with the line above )
Thanks again for taking the time to read. If you don’t like the pirate thing there are only a few more pages left. This is short diversion. And a quick reminder that I’m giving something very special away this Saturday to subscribers only, so sign up for a day or two to get your schwag. ARRRGGHH! ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
EDIT: Darren from the comic DEAR PIRATE has a good point that my pirate speech is clearly inaccurate. My pirate is screaming in pain not saluting a brother ocean hippie. This blog will be closed in the next ten minutes out of deep shame and respect to our sea brothers. Or not. Or you could just go visit Darren’s funny pirate tales as a small offering to the sea gods.